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Because Life's too Short Not to Laugh at it

They were all there. The Cheshire Cat, the White Rabbit, Mad Hatter, Queen of Hearts and the rest. Alice had been found guilty of stealing the tarts, and now she faced the penalty: death by way of guillotine. The onlookers were a plethora of different emotions, whether it be delight or disgust or anything in between, it was all represented within the crowd that surrounded the platform which held the guillotine. Alice, her hands tied and her neck firmly in place, looked at the crowd with tears on her face. Surely somebody she’d met along her journey through Wonderland would speak up and try to stop this. Surely they would, wouldn’t they?

      But for the time being the onlookers were silent. The Queen of Hearts looked upon Alice and loudly announced “The Child is hereby sentenced to death. It is of her own doing. The trial has proven her guilty and I see it as fitting punishment for her to lose her head. This is the precise reason all those in Wonderland should obey my rule. If you don’t, you’ll all be running around with nothing above your neck!” she snorted loudly. She threw her cruel gaze upon poor Alice, who responded in a fear stricken and desperate voice:

      “Oh but your majesty, I won’t be running around at all after this. I am not like the people of Wonderland, if I have no head I shall not be doing any running or walking of any sort. I wish that you would reconsider this. I swear it that I did not touch your tarts and if I had I have now surely learned my lesson!”

      But the Queen would have none of this. She wiped a glob sweat from her forehead and broke her cruel look only to replace it with a deviant smile. “Why Alice, what should I care whether you run around after this or not? It is of no matter of importance to me. I only am here to see that you get your just desserts, I…”

      With this the Mad Hatter cut off the Queen. “What? Desserts? When are we having dessert! My my, I could use a good dessert just now! Why I think we should all stop with this nonsense and have some nice tea and dessert. Wouldn’t you agree my friend?”

      “Yes! Yes! Why of course, dessert would be just lovely right now, indeed! A spot of tea and some cake would do just fine.” Said the March Hare.

      “Silence!” Shouted the Queen, her face red with anger. “Do you not see that I am trying to convey a lesson here? Do you not understand that this is a matter not to be ignored? Besides, it is far too late for desserts of any kind!” She wiped some spittle from her lips and gave a threatening look to the daydreaming executioner- a card guard whose design was seemingly rubbed off of his body.

      She was right. It was pitch dark outside. Lit candles held by certain onlookers, this including the White Rabbit, The Hatter, a few card guards, and the Duchess, provided the only light. The sun had set long ago and now a strange moon hung in the sky and was so faint that it lit only it’s close perimeter. The darkness had frightened Alice, but now, even with some light, she was still frightened. Her head was her own property, and she didn’t want the Queen to take it from her.

      Alice stared at the Mad Hatter, hoping that some look of compassion would enter his face as he saw the clear concern she was trying to communicate to him. But in his eyes she saw nothing but madness. Pure and unending madness. He adjusted his huge top hat and licked his lips, probably still thinking of the dessert and tea. Beside him the March Hare did the same, his long ears twitched with delight as he stood in a blank stare on his face.

      So Alice turned instead to the White Rabbit, but even he was concerned instead with the time, looking at his watch over and over again. Alice wondered what exactly it was that he was waiting for; after all, he was with the Queen now wasn’t he? What obligation might he have next? Tears began to well up in her eyes and she called out to the crowd. “Isn’t anybody going to help me? Oh please! Please! You cannot take off my head! What will happen when I don’t return home? My Mom and Dinah are going to miss me so much, and maybe they’ll come looking for me! That’s right! They’ll come looking for me and they’ll find you all and see what you’ve done, and they’ll take your heads off too! Each and every one of you!”

      “Oh don’t cry dear, don’t cry! Why, maybe it won’t be so bad without a head. As I say…. I’m not all there myself!” The Cheshire Cat said calmly, his body disappearing as he did so, leaving only his malicious smile to float in the air.

      “You don’t understand! I’m not like any of you! I can’t have my head taken off! I won’t live through this! Please! Somebody!”

      “Enough, Child!” the Queen of Hearts cried aloud, her eyes widening as her rage grew. “No bargains will be had!” The Queen made a grin that nearly rivaled the Cheshire Cat and then nudged the executioner who turned to do his duty.

      Alice cried louder than she had ever before. Why didn’t they understand? Why couldn’t they just let her be? It was unfair. She glanced at the bucket that was meant to catch her head and saw her tears dropping off of her face into it, forming a salty pool. Again she called out to those about her: The March Hare, The Mock Turtle, The King, to anybody who may be in the surrounding forest that they had come to, to place her at the guillotine. But none of them understood. And if any creature beyond the crowd and in the dense forest understood, they didn’t care enough to come to her aid.

      She waited for the blade to cut through her, but it didn’t fall- not yet. The Queen who stood just to her side lowered her head and looked her straight in the eyes. She spoke in such a faint whisper that the whole crowd had to be silent and lean in to catch her words. “Any last words before you die child? Since, as you say, you won’t be surviving this punishment.”

      Alice thought for a moment. “Yes! Hatter, please listen! If you do something about this, if you stop it, I’ll give you a nice big dessert and make you the best tea you’ve ever tasted! Why, I’ll make you an entire meal fit for a king!”

      As she said this, the Queen understood the threat. She signaled subtly to the executioner to do the deed. So subtle, in fact, that nobody noticed. They were surprised when the blade began its rapid descent downward, it was only then that the Queen shouted “Off with her Head!”. Alice knew her impending death could be delayed no longer.

      The blade was so swift when it severed her head from her body she felt no pain, and her vision remained as her head went toppling into the bucket, splashing in her own tears. The force of her head was fierce and caused the bucket to topple over, spilling out blood, tears, head and all.

      Alice could still see, perhaps because of the strange effect Wonderland had upon her, but could feel her vision beginning to fade. She bore a disappointed look on her face, knowing that she would never get even with the Queen of Hearts.

      But this was not true, the Hatter, in all his madness, did not yet register or understand that Alice was about to meet death. All he cared about the dessert and tea that he’d been promised. A grin grew on his face as an idea planted itself in his head. He lunged forward and the Queen turned to meet him- all of this within Alice’s view. The Hatter had a dreadful gleam in his eye as he said to the Queen “Madam, I don’t think your services are so useful, for they’ve never once brought me the pleasures of tea and desserts!” With this he threw the lit candle from his hand and its flame touched the Queen’s garb before the candle landed and rolled from view. She threw her arms up in the air and bellowed a cry of horror as she went up in flames and her flesh began to darken and transform under the deconstructive surgery of fire.

      In her agony she began to move about in attempt to put out the fire, finally falling down and rolling back and forth. Eventually she accidentally fell off the platform and into the crowd, which caught fire. Screams of terror rose from the throats of the wonderland denizens, who apparently weren’t entirely impervious to pain at all, and perhaps did have some kind of mortality. They fled in every direction, catching fire to the trees of the forest, which consequently led to birds flying from the treetops in mortal terror. Some of them fell dead to the ground after their feathers had become too far engulfed with fire to allow them the gift of flight. The Queen lay dead upon the ground, in the center of a circle of dead card guards, along with The White Rabbit, King, and a mouse. The Cheshire Cat was nowhere in sight.

      In her last moments Alice saw the Hatter stooping to pick her up, and smiled as she realized she’d been avenged. Then the lights went out. The Hatter cradled Alice’s severed head in his arms as he carefully leapt from the platform and found his way through the burning embers of the Wonderland forest. The March Hare, who had somehow escaped the hellfire that claimed all of those attending the execution, joined him quickly. The two of them safely escaped the burning forest.

      “What now dear Hatter?” The March Hare asked the Hatter.

      “Why, we’re going to have a feast fit for a king, along with the finest tea we’ve ever tasted and a nice big cake!” The Hatter responded, the madness still lurking so deviously behind his eyes.

By Zach Owen

Zach Owen attends Edinboro University where he will soon be majoring in Creative Writing. He enjoys writing in his spare time, watching movies, and occasionally trying his hand at filmmaking. He thinks opossums are neat.